The other day I spent time with a couple of friends; it was the first time we all hung out together again for a long time. It was fun, but as the day and night went on, they talked more and more about the things that had happened to all of us within the past year and a half. And I realized that, even after all this time, thinking about some of those things still stings. I've found myself wishing that I could go back and either re-live some of those memories or prevent them from happening in the first place.

As a general rule, I try to learn from my mistakes rather than pretending that they didn't happen, but it's hard to think about these things sometimes because I know that I have regrets about them. But what good is it for me to dwell on it? I can't go back to those happier times or change what has already happened. The only thing I can do now is to keep living my life the way I want to live it, so that I will have as few regrets as possible when it's over. I know this as well as the next person, so why is it harder for me to deal with it than it is for everyone else?

Labels: friends, problems

I do really mean it when I say I'm going to update this thing more often, seriously. I just...haven't really had that much to say recently. Well, I actually have a lot to say, but it's hard to say certain things in a blog because the entire internet, including people who know me, could be reading it. I mean, I really don't think so highly of myself to assume that anyone actually reads this thing, but it's a possibility that I always try to consider when I post things on the internet.

I doubt that I've ever touched on the subject before because you might notice that I hardly actually update this thing even though I've had it for like a year and a half, but for years I've felt like I've been in a constant state of conflict with myself. I guess it's just how I am and have always been, but I can never make up my mind about certain things. For example, I want to be boyish, but I also want to be feminine. I want to be independent, but I also want to be able to depend on others. I want to be strong enough to take care of others, but I also want someone to take care of me. I want people to understand me, but I don't want to make them understand me. I want to make everyone happy, but I also want to make myself happy. I want to be loved, but I don't want to feel like I need to be loved. I want people to know when I'm not happy, but I don't want to tell them if I'm not happy. I want to be strong enough to let things go, but I don't want to let them go. I don't know what to do about any of those things, but for the most part I can live without resolving those conflicts.

However, for the past few days I've been thinking about something more confusing and upsetting than any of those things, and I'm not sure if I can live with it. I don't want to be in love with someone who doesn't love me, but I don't want to stop loving them, either. How does one deal with that sort of dilemma? I can't even begin to think about it because I'm too stubborn to even consider my options. I'm confident enough in myself to know that I deserve better, but I'm also too stubborn to give up. This also ties into some of my other problems and becomes even more confusing. Wouldn't this person be happier if I could stop being selfish and let them pursue their own happiness without worrying about me? Wouldn't I be stronger and happier if I could let go and fall in love with someone who won't hesitate to love me back? Logic tells me to let you go, but my heart will not give you up.

Labels: personal, problems

I hate having irregularly shaped feet. I always find the cutest shoes online at really good prices, and my problem is always either that they don't have my size, or they have my size but I'm not sure if the shoes will turn out to be too long or too narrow due to size variations, and I can't buy them because the site doesn't allow returns on clearance-priced merchandise. Even if the shoes are only $7-10 plus shipping, I still can't justify that kind of waste of money if they don't fit. ;(

I guess it's better to spend a little more money on a shoe that I know I will be satisfied with or get my money back, but I'm still sad that I can't take advantage of some of the insanely cheap prices I've seen out there. I might try my luck sometime anyway, if I find a pair of shoes cute enough to be worth the risk. At least I could try buying them a half-size larger to make sure the shoes won't be too narrow and then get some insoles if they turn out too long.

I succeeded in finding some good lip products today. I bought a plain lip balm, a colored lip balm, two lip glosses, and a Maybelline lip plumper. I've tried the plain lip balm and one of the lip glosses, and I'm so happy with both of them that I'm thinking about throwing out my old tube of Chapstick, but I'll probably just put it away in a drawer until I run out of the new lip balm. I think I might try the lip plumper a little later tonight or tomorrow, and I hope it works and looks good on me.

I also bought some gradual self-tanning moisturizer for my pale legs. I'm hoping that it'll make them look less flabby because I've heard that tan skin doesn't show cellulite as much as pale skin. I don't want to use it on the rest of my body though, and I don't know if it'll look weird when my legs start to be a little darker than the rest of me. I guess if it looks too bad I can just stop using it because I definitely don't plan on tanning my torso, arms, or face. :\

I hope that by the end of the summer my long-term makeover will be complete. I've been trying to make a lot of little changes with myself in preparation for my new life at VCU, and I think that I'm nearing the final stages of my transformation. All I have left to do is to finish clearing up my skin and getting back into shape. :3

My orientation confirmation arrived in the mail today, finally~ I think I'm going to go start reading the handbook that came with it after I check my email and see how my dad's doing.

Labels: appearance, cosmetics, feet, lips, makeover, money, orientation, problems, self tanner, shoes, vcu

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