I do really mean it when I say I'm going to update this thing more often, seriously. I just...haven't really had that much to say recently. Well, I actually have a lot to say, but it's hard to say certain things in a blog because the entire internet, including people who know me, could be reading it. I mean, I really don't think so highly of myself to assume that anyone actually reads this thing, but it's a possibility that I always try to consider when I post things on the internet.

I doubt that I've ever touched on the subject before because you might notice that I hardly actually update this thing even though I've had it for like a year and a half, but for years I've felt like I've been in a constant state of conflict with myself. I guess it's just how I am and have always been, but I can never make up my mind about certain things. For example, I want to be boyish, but I also want to be feminine. I want to be independent, but I also want to be able to depend on others. I want to be strong enough to take care of others, but I also want someone to take care of me. I want people to understand me, but I don't want to make them understand me. I want to make everyone happy, but I also want to make myself happy. I want to be loved, but I don't want to feel like I need to be loved. I want people to know when I'm not happy, but I don't want to tell them if I'm not happy. I want to be strong enough to let things go, but I don't want to let them go. I don't know what to do about any of those things, but for the most part I can live without resolving those conflicts.

However, for the past few days I've been thinking about something more confusing and upsetting than any of those things, and I'm not sure if I can live with it. I don't want to be in love with someone who doesn't love me, but I don't want to stop loving them, either. How does one deal with that sort of dilemma? I can't even begin to think about it because I'm too stubborn to even consider my options. I'm confident enough in myself to know that I deserve better, but I'm also too stubborn to give up. This also ties into some of my other problems and becomes even more confusing. Wouldn't this person be happier if I could stop being selfish and let them pursue their own happiness without worrying about me? Wouldn't I be stronger and happier if I could let go and fall in love with someone who won't hesitate to love me back? Logic tells me to let you go, but my heart will not give you up.

Labels: personal, problems

Well, it took me long enough, but I finally finished making my blog to my liking. It's been several years since I've used Blogger's coding, so it took me a little while to re-learn old things and pick up on a few new things.

I really shouldn't have made a new blog. I can never keep up with them, and I already have built-in journals on some of the community sites that I visit frequently. But I love things that I can customize, and I like being able to show off my amateur and probably poor web designing skills. I also wanted to have something creative to do with the bit of free time I'm going to have this summer.

As for introductions, I'm pretty lousy at writing them. In fact, I'm pretty lousy at writing in general. That's another reason I wanted to make a new blog; I need some writing practice. It'll probably be more apparent later on.

I'm an art student hoping to transfer to a university in the fall. I'm actually still awaiting a response from my chosen school, but according to their admissions office I should hear from them this week. I hope that I will be accepted because this is the one place I've wanted to attend since my junior year of high school. My grade-point average is flawless and I have been told that my portfolio is very competitive, but I'm still anxious to receive a response to my application.

Unfortunately, I'm also an anime fan, and I'm currently facing the dilemma of either giving up my passion for drawing anime-styled characters or risking my quality and credibility as a serious artist. I'm at least cutting back on the anime, but at the same time I've found that I've gotten out of the habit of drawing anything at all. I'm planning to work on my art now that I have time, though.

Some other things worthy of mention are the fact that I recently graduated from my hometown's community college with an associate's degree, and up until last Saturday I worked as a sales associate in a department store. I quit my job so that I could take a break before I have to start getting ready to transfer in the fall.

Well, I can't think of anything else I should add for now. I guess I'll write tomorrow, and hopefully I'll get my response from VCU, my chosen university. :3

Labels: introduction, personal

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