Sunday, January 31, 2010
It's ancient history, but...
The other day I spent time with a couple of friends; it was the first time we all hung out together again for a long time. It was fun, but as the day and night went on, they talked more and more about the things that had happened to all of us within the past year and a half. And I realized that, even after all this time, thinking about some of those things still stings. I've found myself wishing that I could go back and either re-live some of those memories or prevent them from happening in the first place.
As a general rule, I try to learn from my mistakes rather than pretending that they didn't happen, but it's hard to think about these things sometimes because I know that I have regrets about them. But what good is it for me to dwell on it? I can't go back to those happier times or change what has already happened. The only thing I can do now is to keep living my life the way I want to live it, so that I will have as few regrets as possible when it's over. I know this as well as the next person, so why is it harder for me to deal with it than it is for everyone else?
As a general rule, I try to learn from my mistakes rather than pretending that they didn't happen, but it's hard to think about these things sometimes because I know that I have regrets about them. But what good is it for me to dwell on it? I can't go back to those happier times or change what has already happened. The only thing I can do now is to keep living my life the way I want to live it, so that I will have as few regrets as possible when it's over. I know this as well as the next person, so why is it harder for me to deal with it than it is for everyone else?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Inner turmoil~
I do really mean it when I say I'm going to update this thing more often, seriously. I just...haven't really had that much to say recently. Well, I actually have a lot to say, but it's hard to say certain things in a blog because the entire internet, including people who know me, could be reading it. I mean, I really don't think so highly of myself to assume that anyone actually reads this thing, but it's a possibility that I always try to consider when I post things on the internet.
I doubt that I've ever touched on the subject before because you might notice that I hardly actually update this thing even though I've had it for like a year and a half, but for years I've felt like I've been in a constant state of conflict with myself. I guess it's just how I am and have always been, but I can never make up my mind about certain things. For example, I want to be boyish, but I also want to be feminine. I want to be independent, but I also want to be able to depend on others. I want to be strong enough to take care of others, but I also want someone to take care of me. I want people to understand me, but I don't want to make them understand me. I want to make everyone happy, but I also want to make myself happy. I want to be loved, but I don't want to feel like I need to be loved. I want people to know when I'm not happy, but I don't want to tell them if I'm not happy. I want to be strong enough to let things go, but I don't want to let them go. I don't know what to do about any of those things, but for the most part I can live without resolving those conflicts.
However, for the past few days I've been thinking about something more confusing and upsetting than any of those things, and I'm not sure if I can live with it. I don't want to be in love with someone who doesn't love me, but I don't want to stop loving them, either. How does one deal with that sort of dilemma? I can't even begin to think about it because I'm too stubborn to even consider my options. I'm confident enough in myself to know that I deserve better, but I'm also too stubborn to give up. This also ties into some of my other problems and becomes even more confusing. Wouldn't this person be happier if I could stop being selfish and let them pursue their own happiness without worrying about me? Wouldn't I be stronger and happier if I could let go and fall in love with someone who won't hesitate to love me back? Logic tells me to let you go, but my heart will not give you up.
I doubt that I've ever touched on the subject before because you might notice that I hardly actually update this thing even though I've had it for like a year and a half, but for years I've felt like I've been in a constant state of conflict with myself. I guess it's just how I am and have always been, but I can never make up my mind about certain things. For example, I want to be boyish, but I also want to be feminine. I want to be independent, but I also want to be able to depend on others. I want to be strong enough to take care of others, but I also want someone to take care of me. I want people to understand me, but I don't want to make them understand me. I want to make everyone happy, but I also want to make myself happy. I want to be loved, but I don't want to feel like I need to be loved. I want people to know when I'm not happy, but I don't want to tell them if I'm not happy. I want to be strong enough to let things go, but I don't want to let them go. I don't know what to do about any of those things, but for the most part I can live without resolving those conflicts.
However, for the past few days I've been thinking about something more confusing and upsetting than any of those things, and I'm not sure if I can live with it. I don't want to be in love with someone who doesn't love me, but I don't want to stop loving them, either. How does one deal with that sort of dilemma? I can't even begin to think about it because I'm too stubborn to even consider my options. I'm confident enough in myself to know that I deserve better, but I'm also too stubborn to give up. This also ties into some of my other problems and becomes even more confusing. Wouldn't this person be happier if I could stop being selfish and let them pursue their own happiness without worrying about me? Wouldn't I be stronger and happier if I could let go and fall in love with someone who won't hesitate to love me back? Logic tells me to let you go, but my heart will not give you up.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
It has been a long time (again).
Wow, I completely forgot that I actually updated this thing a few times between fall 2008 and now. That shows how bad I am at keeping up with this thing. I'm planning to completely redesign this thing and my website sometime soon, so I figured I'd post something and try to get back into the habit of writing.
Every time I come back to write here, I feel like I've grown so much since I last wrote something here. It's surprising, and actually kind of scary, in a way. Who knew that I'd still have so much growing up left to do at 23 years old? I also know I'm still not even close to being finished growing, which is even scarier. Luckily I'm taking longer than the average student to finish college, so hopefully I'll be ready to grow up by the time I graduate. I hope I am, anyway.
To tell the truth, I've already grown so attached to Richmond and the people that I've met since I've been here that I'm absolutely terrified of graduating because graduating means that I'll have to leave everything I have behind and start fresh. While that might be good for me in some ways, I just don't know how I'm going to be ready to leave my family and all of the friends I've made when the time comes. I can't stay in Richmond because the fashion industry just doesn't exist here, but I'm scared to go to New York or California or wherever I end up having to go because I won't have anyone there. It's not just the fact that I won't have anyone that bothers me, either. I also don't know how I'm going to be okay without the people that I want and love and need to be close to me. It's just terrifying to me.
I also kind of wanted to write about some of the things that have happened to me since I've been at VCU, since I didn't really go over them the last few times I wrote here. So much has happened that I can't possibly go over all of it in a single post, and I don't really feel like going over everything in great detail, so I'll just highlight some of the important things.
My now ex-boyfriend and I broke up in November of 2008 (but we're still best friends!), and although I've been officially single since then, I've been involved in two things that were not quite relationships since then. I fell in love with one of them, and I was rejected by that person. Then I got used and betrayed by one of my so-called friends, but luckily I got out of that situation fairly easily. I'm currently still in love with the other, but that situation is complicated and I'd rather not go into it. For now, I'll just say that even though it almost seems hopeless for me, I'm not ready to give up on that. Meggi is an unstoppable force of love, bitches.
Although not everything has been great, I've met a lot of wonderful people and had a lot of wonderful experiences here. I went to my first concert here. I went out on Halloween for the first time since middle school here. I tried a kind of alcohol that I didn't hate for the first time here. I went to a club for the first time here, though I've since decided that I'm not crazy about clubs. I tried bubble tea for the first time here, and I've had so many other new experiences since I've been at VCU. I've learned a lot, too. I've learned how to crochet, bind books, sew, work with wood, make patterns, make animation and videos, and all kinds of things. It's been great.
Anyway, I'm going to go draw something now before bed, so I'll try to remember to write again later.
Every time I come back to write here, I feel like I've grown so much since I last wrote something here. It's surprising, and actually kind of scary, in a way. Who knew that I'd still have so much growing up left to do at 23 years old? I also know I'm still not even close to being finished growing, which is even scarier. Luckily I'm taking longer than the average student to finish college, so hopefully I'll be ready to grow up by the time I graduate. I hope I am, anyway.
To tell the truth, I've already grown so attached to Richmond and the people that I've met since I've been here that I'm absolutely terrified of graduating because graduating means that I'll have to leave everything I have behind and start fresh. While that might be good for me in some ways, I just don't know how I'm going to be ready to leave my family and all of the friends I've made when the time comes. I can't stay in Richmond because the fashion industry just doesn't exist here, but I'm scared to go to New York or California or wherever I end up having to go because I won't have anyone there. It's not just the fact that I won't have anyone that bothers me, either. I also don't know how I'm going to be okay without the people that I want and love and need to be close to me. It's just terrifying to me.
I also kind of wanted to write about some of the things that have happened to me since I've been at VCU, since I didn't really go over them the last few times I wrote here. So much has happened that I can't possibly go over all of it in a single post, and I don't really feel like going over everything in great detail, so I'll just highlight some of the important things.
My now ex-boyfriend and I broke up in November of 2008 (but we're still best friends!), and although I've been officially single since then, I've been involved in two things that were not quite relationships since then. I fell in love with one of them, and I was rejected by that person. Then I got used and betrayed by one of my so-called friends, but luckily I got out of that situation fairly easily. I'm currently still in love with the other, but that situation is complicated and I'd rather not go into it. For now, I'll just say that even though it almost seems hopeless for me, I'm not ready to give up on that. Meggi is an unstoppable force of love, bitches.
Although not everything has been great, I've met a lot of wonderful people and had a lot of wonderful experiences here. I went to my first concert here. I went out on Halloween for the first time since middle school here. I tried a kind of alcohol that I didn't hate for the first time here. I went to a club for the first time here, though I've since decided that I'm not crazy about clubs. I tried bubble tea for the first time here, and I've had so many other new experiences since I've been at VCU. I've learned a lot, too. I've learned how to crochet, bind books, sew, work with wood, make patterns, make animation and videos, and all kinds of things. It's been great.
Anyway, I'm going to go draw something now before bed, so I'll try to remember to write again later.
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