Thursday, January 14, 2010
Inner turmoil~
I do really mean it when I say I'm going to update this thing more often, seriously. I just...haven't really had that much to say recently. Well, I actually have a lot to say, but it's hard to say certain things in a blog because the entire internet, including people who know me, could be reading it. I mean, I really don't think so highly of myself to assume that anyone actually reads this thing, but it's a possibility that I always try to consider when I post things on the internet.
I doubt that I've ever touched on the subject before because you might notice that I hardly actually update this thing even though I've had it for like a year and a half, but for years I've felt like I've been in a constant state of conflict with myself. I guess it's just how I am and have always been, but I can never make up my mind about certain things. For example, I want to be boyish, but I also want to be feminine. I want to be independent, but I also want to be able to depend on others. I want to be strong enough to take care of others, but I also want someone to take care of me. I want people to understand me, but I don't want to make them understand me. I want to make everyone happy, but I also want to make myself happy. I want to be loved, but I don't want to feel like I need to be loved. I want people to know when I'm not happy, but I don't want to tell them if I'm not happy. I want to be strong enough to let things go, but I don't want to let them go. I don't know what to do about any of those things, but for the most part I can live without resolving those conflicts.
However, for the past few days I've been thinking about something more confusing and upsetting than any of those things, and I'm not sure if I can live with it. I don't want to be in love with someone who doesn't love me, but I don't want to stop loving them, either. How does one deal with that sort of dilemma? I can't even begin to think about it because I'm too stubborn to even consider my options. I'm confident enough in myself to know that I deserve better, but I'm also too stubborn to give up. This also ties into some of my other problems and becomes even more confusing. Wouldn't this person be happier if I could stop being selfish and let them pursue their own happiness without worrying about me? Wouldn't I be stronger and happier if I could let go and fall in love with someone who won't hesitate to love me back? Logic tells me to let you go, but my heart will not give you up.
I doubt that I've ever touched on the subject before because you might notice that I hardly actually update this thing even though I've had it for like a year and a half, but for years I've felt like I've been in a constant state of conflict with myself. I guess it's just how I am and have always been, but I can never make up my mind about certain things. For example, I want to be boyish, but I also want to be feminine. I want to be independent, but I also want to be able to depend on others. I want to be strong enough to take care of others, but I also want someone to take care of me. I want people to understand me, but I don't want to make them understand me. I want to make everyone happy, but I also want to make myself happy. I want to be loved, but I don't want to feel like I need to be loved. I want people to know when I'm not happy, but I don't want to tell them if I'm not happy. I want to be strong enough to let things go, but I don't want to let them go. I don't know what to do about any of those things, but for the most part I can live without resolving those conflicts.
However, for the past few days I've been thinking about something more confusing and upsetting than any of those things, and I'm not sure if I can live with it. I don't want to be in love with someone who doesn't love me, but I don't want to stop loving them, either. How does one deal with that sort of dilemma? I can't even begin to think about it because I'm too stubborn to even consider my options. I'm confident enough in myself to know that I deserve better, but I'm also too stubborn to give up. This also ties into some of my other problems and becomes even more confusing. Wouldn't this person be happier if I could stop being selfish and let them pursue their own happiness without worrying about me? Wouldn't I be stronger and happier if I could let go and fall in love with someone who won't hesitate to love me back? Logic tells me to let you go, but my heart will not give you up.
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