The other day I spent time with a couple of friends; it was the first time we all hung out together again for a long time. It was fun, but as the day and night went on, they talked more and more about the things that had happened to all of us within the past year and a half. And I realized that, even after all this time, thinking about some of those things still stings. I've found myself wishing that I could go back and either re-live some of those memories or prevent them from happening in the first place.

As a general rule, I try to learn from my mistakes rather than pretending that they didn't happen, but it's hard to think about these things sometimes because I know that I have regrets about them. But what good is it for me to dwell on it? I can't go back to those happier times or change what has already happened. The only thing I can do now is to keep living my life the way I want to live it, so that I will have as few regrets as possible when it's over. I know this as well as the next person, so why is it harder for me to deal with it than it is for everyone else?

Labels: friends, problems

I do really mean it when I say I'm going to update this thing more often, seriously. I just...haven't really had that much to say recently. Well, I actually have a lot to say, but it's hard to say certain things in a blog because the entire internet, including people who know me, could be reading it. I mean, I really don't think so highly of myself to assume that anyone actually reads this thing, but it's a possibility that I always try to consider when I post things on the internet.

I doubt that I've ever touched on the subject before because you might notice that I hardly actually update this thing even though I've had it for like a year and a half, but for years I've felt like I've been in a constant state of conflict with myself. I guess it's just how I am and have always been, but I can never make up my mind about certain things. For example, I want to be boyish, but I also want to be feminine. I want to be independent, but I also want to be able to depend on others. I want to be strong enough to take care of others, but I also want someone to take care of me. I want people to understand me, but I don't want to make them understand me. I want to make everyone happy, but I also want to make myself happy. I want to be loved, but I don't want to feel like I need to be loved. I want people to know when I'm not happy, but I don't want to tell them if I'm not happy. I want to be strong enough to let things go, but I don't want to let them go. I don't know what to do about any of those things, but for the most part I can live without resolving those conflicts.

However, for the past few days I've been thinking about something more confusing and upsetting than any of those things, and I'm not sure if I can live with it. I don't want to be in love with someone who doesn't love me, but I don't want to stop loving them, either. How does one deal with that sort of dilemma? I can't even begin to think about it because I'm too stubborn to even consider my options. I'm confident enough in myself to know that I deserve better, but I'm also too stubborn to give up. This also ties into some of my other problems and becomes even more confusing. Wouldn't this person be happier if I could stop being selfish and let them pursue their own happiness without worrying about me? Wouldn't I be stronger and happier if I could let go and fall in love with someone who won't hesitate to love me back? Logic tells me to let you go, but my heart will not give you up.

Labels: personal, problems

Wow, I completely forgot that I actually updated this thing a few times between fall 2008 and now. That shows how bad I am at keeping up with this thing. I'm planning to completely redesign this thing and my website sometime soon, so I figured I'd post something and try to get back into the habit of writing.

Every time I come back to write here, I feel like I've grown so much since I last wrote something here. It's surprising, and actually kind of scary, in a way. Who knew that I'd still have so much growing up left to do at 23 years old? I also know I'm still not even close to being finished growing, which is even scarier. Luckily I'm taking longer than the average student to finish college, so hopefully I'll be ready to grow up by the time I graduate. I hope I am, anyway.

To tell the truth, I've already grown so attached to Richmond and the people that I've met since I've been here that I'm absolutely terrified of graduating because graduating means that I'll have to leave everything I have behind and start fresh. While that might be good for me in some ways, I just don't know how I'm going to be ready to leave my family and all of the friends I've made when the time comes. I can't stay in Richmond because the fashion industry just doesn't exist here, but I'm scared to go to New York or California or wherever I end up having to go because I won't have anyone there. It's not just the fact that I won't have anyone that bothers me, either. I also don't know how I'm going to be okay without the people that I want and love and need to be close to me. It's just terrifying to me.

I also kind of wanted to write about some of the things that have happened to me since I've been at VCU, since I didn't really go over them the last few times I wrote here. So much has happened that I can't possibly go over all of it in a single post, and I don't really feel like going over everything in great detail, so I'll just highlight some of the important things.

My now ex-boyfriend and I broke up in November of 2008 (but we're still best friends!), and although I've been officially single since then, I've been involved in two things that were not quite relationships since then. I fell in love with one of them, and I was rejected by that person. Then I got used and betrayed by one of my so-called friends, but luckily I got out of that situation fairly easily. I'm currently still in love with the other, but that situation is complicated and I'd rather not go into it. For now, I'll just say that even though it almost seems hopeless for me, I'm not ready to give up on that. Meggi is an unstoppable force of love, bitches.

Although not everything has been great, I've met a lot of wonderful people and had a lot of wonderful experiences here. I went to my first concert here. I went out on Halloween for the first time since middle school here. I tried a kind of alcohol that I didn't hate for the first time here. I went to a club for the first time here, though I've since decided that I'm not crazy about clubs. I tried bubble tea for the first time here, and I've had so many other new experiences since I've been at VCU. I've learned a lot, too. I've learned how to crochet, bind books, sew, work with wood, make patterns, make animation and videos, and all kinds of things. It's been great.

Anyway, I'm going to go draw something now before bed, so I'll try to remember to write again later.

Labels: friends, richmond, vcu, website

So, I finished reading Angel Sanctuary yesterday. The ending was quite amazing, and I ended up crying a lot, which is unusual because I don't cry much when I read things. It was just so awesome and so heart-breaking and yet uplifting and just beautiful, and by that point I'd spent so much time with the characters--sharing their adventures, their feelings, and their hardships--that I just couldn't help it.

I also watched the Angel Sanctuary anime, but it just couldn't compare to the manga. I shouldn't expect a three-episode OAV to compare to a twenty-volume manga in the first place, especially since the OAV is meant to be an introduction to the manga rather than a stand-alone anime, but it had so much potential to be a full series! The art and animation were attractive, the plot was relatively close to the manga, the Japanese voice actors were well-cast (though I might just be convinced that this is true because Takehito Koyasu was in it), and I think it would have been fairly popular despite some of the controversial themes of the series (incest, for example).

Since I finished Angel Sanctuary, I've read a couple of short horror manga: School Mermaid and Jisatsu Circle. School Mermaid was disappointing, but Jisatsu Circle was kind of interesting. It seems that I still haven't found my ideal kind of horror manga yet. I want something that'll scare me, like the Silent Hill videogame series, but I don't know if it's possible to find that kind of horror in manga form.

I'm also starting to casually read Urusei Yatsura, which is much longer (some 300 chapters! T_T) but not nearly as serious as any of the other manga I've read lately. I'm a pretty big fan of Ranma ½, and since Urusei Yatsura is written by the same manga artist, I've wanted to read it for a while now.

I remember mentioning that I wanted to write about my laptop the last time I updated, so I'll brag a little bit about it today. The fashion department at VCU requires that I have a laptop, and originally I was planning on getting a Macbook Pro, but since those are expensive, I decided to get a Dell Studio 15 instead. It looks like this:
It's pretty, isn't it? I'm not generally a big fan of leafy prints like this, but I really liked the colors. I'm still not used to the widescreen monitor and the touchpad mouse yet, but those things don't really bother me. I just hope it won't be too difficult to draw on this resolution after I install Photoshop.

Ahhh...At some point I really need to update my website and stuff. It's been so long. That may have to wait for another day, though. I'm off to go draw some pretty pictures now.

For now, I will leave you with this Youtube video of Schellen. I miss them.

Labels: angel sanctuary, anime, jrock, laptop, manga, schellen, urusei yatsura

I really have been meaning to write here more often. I keep meaning to write an apology and an explanation for my lack of activity here and then try to get back into the habit of writing regularly, but so much has happened over the past several months that when I start to think about it all, I get so overwhelmed that I just can't write it down.

My first year at VCU ended earlier this month, and I'm now officially a fashion design major. I still can't really believe that it's already over because it went by so quickly, but at the same time I had so many experiences and spent so much time there that it almost feels like that part of my life is the only life I can remember living. In a way, I feel like that part is true; I've never really had friends or a real social life before I came to VCU.

Unfortunately, I still don't have much of a life back in my hometown, and sometimes when I'm here I almost can't believe that it all really happened to me. It feels like a dream, and although I met many wonderful people and experienced some wonderful things, I sometimes wake up in the morning wishing that it had only been a dream.

Since I've left Richmond, I've been trying to get back into some of my old hobbies. I went on a shoujo anime binge right after I came home and watched Shoujo Kakumei Utena and Sailor Moon S again for about the millionth time.

I also played some videogames; I finally actually played and beat Clock Tower 3 and I nearly beat Space Channel 5.

Clock Tower 3 was really fun because it'd been such a long time since I'd played a videogame at all, and it had been even longer since I'd played a scary one. However, about halfway through the game it went from being legitimately scary to a bad fantasy-horror kind of scary. The first boss was terrifying, and the second one was still scary; the third one was ridiculous, but he was actually kind of attractive in a comic book super villain way, so I didn't have that much of a problem with him. The game just stopped being scary after he showed up, though. It was a pretty fun game overall, but I'm a little dissatisfied with it the same way I'd be dissatisfied with a B movie.

I got so close to beating Space Channel 5, too! I just can't get past that last boss, and when you have to play through the whole stage just to fight it, it's just too frustrating to try more than once in a while.

Another successful method of alleviating boredom I've tried over the past few weeks is listening to random Jrock bands: either ones that I've heard of and haven't actually listened to yet, or ones that have funny names like SHAKALABBITS and Convenience Store. Here are a few that I've really started to like:


Luna Sea is one of those legendary Jrock bands; most Jrock fans know (or should know) who they are, but I wasn't familiar with their music at all until recently. I really wish I had realized that they were awesome when I first heard of them, but for some reason I never really gave them a chance. I don't know why.


I had to listen to SHAKALABBITS just because they just have an awesome band name. It's fun to say. I'm not even sure I'm pronouncing it correctly, but it's fun to tell people I'm listening to a band called SHAKALABBITS. It turned out that they were really good, too!


I tried CHERRYBLOSSOM's music on a whim, and I'm glad I did. It's really catchy. They kind of sound like a combination of Naomi Tamura, Lee Jung Hyun, and the China Dolls.


EAT YOU ALIVE was another band that I tried because I thought their name was just too amusing to resist, but I was surprised when I actually heard them. They have such a refined sound, especially for an indie band. ;O I hope to hear more from them in the future.


I've actually listened to a little bit of An Cafe's stuff before, but not enough to actually consider myself a fan. That changed when I listened to this song. I don't know exactly why I like this song so much, but it's just so sweet and catchy.

Within the past few days I've also been getting into manga again. After I finished watching Utena again, I decided that I really wanted to see if I could find the manga online. I did find some scanlations of it, but unfortunately the group that was translating it dropped the project, and I was unable to find the rest of the translations. However, when I gave up on Utena, I stumbled upon Angel Sanctuary, which is a series that I'd been meaning to check out for a long time. The art style has always appealed to me, but the manga is very long, complicated, and kind of confusing, especially because a lot of the characters seem very similar in appearance at first. However, I think I'm following the plot so far and I'm starting to recognize the characters enough to pick them apart from each other. I'm not quite halfway through it yet, but I'm hoping to finish it sometime next week.

Anyway, I'm afraid that's all for now. Next time I'll write about my awesome new laptop. :3

Labels: an cafe, angel sanctuary, anime, cherryblossom, clock tower 3, eat you alive, hobbies, jrock, luna sea, manga, sailor moon, shakalabbits, space channel 5, utena, vcu, videogames

I might need a new pencil sharpener. I bought some nice new Prismacolor pencils last week, but my current pencil sharpener doesn't get them as sharp as I want them. I might go looking for one later in the week.

Anyway, last week was my first full week of classes, and it was super busy. So far I haven't had too much trouble keeping on top of my assignments while still balancing a bit of a social life at the same time, though.

My roommate went home for Labor Day weekend (and still isn't back yet; I'm starting to get just a little worried about her), but one of the girls on my floor (who is also an art major and in one of my AFO classes) invited me to go thrift store hunting with her and her ex-boyfriend on Saturday, and I ended up spending most of Saturday and Sunday hanging out with them.

I found three good pairs of jeans that I originally planned to wear in the woodshop this week, but I like them all so much that I really don't want to risk ruining any of them. In the end I narrowed it down to the one pair that I liked the least as my woodshop jeans for tomorrow, and when I go home for the weekend to trade out some of my summer clothes for more fall clothes, I'll bring some of the jeans that I don't like as much and save the newer ones.

The jeans I plan on wearing tomorrow night are a pair of medium blue SO brand (I think it's a Kohl's brand) bootcut jeans. They were about three inches too long so I cut them off for convenience, though I'm kind of regretting it because I don't like ragged hemlines and I won't be able to hem them for a while. I really hope I didn't ruin them by cutting them like that. :\ I bought them at the first thrift store we went to for about $2.08.

The second and third pair of jeans I bought were significantly more expensive because they came from a store owned by Goodwill; one was $10 and the other was $5. They're both dark wash jeans, one is another pair of bootcut jeans by Delia's, and the other is a pair of high-waisted straight leg jeans by Sarah Jessica Parker's Bitten brand. Both of them are also too long and to be honest, I think the Delia's jeans are an extra long size because I had to roll them up twice to keep them from dragging on the floor, but because I was already regretting the alterations I'd made to the first pair, I didn't bother cutting them off to be the right length. I wore the high-waisted ones to my drawing class today, and I must say that although I'm really not used to wearing high-waisted or straight-legged jeans, I think they're very flattering on me and I'm glad that I picked them up. I wonder if they'll look good with some of the older tops that I have that aren't quite long enough to cover my stomach when I'm wearing low-rise jeans. I might have to wear some of my older tops more often if they do, haha.

After we were finished looking for good deals in Carytown on Saturday, we went to Ben & Jerry's and although I really wanted ice cream after walking in the heat all day, I was also thirsty so I ordered a mango teazer instead, which was something like a slush with tea in it.

We all got together on Sunday again and went to the anime club, which was significantly smaller this week than the first club meeting. To be honest, I was a little relieved for that. The first meeting was so crowded, and I was very uncomfortable with all of the people making comments and other sounds at all of the lame and obvious fan service in the first series they showed. If the second and third series hadn't been awesome, I probably wouldn't have returned this Sunday.

After the club, we went to Lowe's to pick up our next set of supplies for space research. My friend's ex was a great help; I basically showed him our list and he picked out almost everything we needed without question. He also carried the big pieces of wood (4x4' pieces of 1/4" thick wood) all the way to our classroom for us because we couldn't fit them in the car. Luckily the building was only about maybe a block away.

We then went to try some bubble tea at a little cafe on Cary Street because when we were driving around town the day before we saw some places advertising it and we all decided that we should try some. It was pretty good, and very different from what I'd imagined. I guess I probably would've figured it out if I'd looked it up before, though. It was a nice surprise, in any case. XD

After the bubble tea, it was getting to be time for dinner, so we went to Kobe (a Japanese restaurant) on 13th Street for sushi, and it was great, as always. :3 I felt kind of bad that my floormate treated us, but since she called it an early birthday present for me, I'm planning to return the favor for her when it gets closer to her birthday, which is later in the month.

Yesterday I actually worked my butt off trying to finish my space research project, which is due tomorrow night. Luckily I got most of it done and today I finished up everything that I wanted to add, though I'm still not completely happy with it. I'm just not very passionate about the theme of the assignment, and I'm not very interested in working with cardboard, so no matter how hard I worked on it, it'd be pretty hard for me to be completely happy with it. I do feel a sense of accomplishment from completing it, though.

Anyway, I need to go read some more Tulip Fever for my literature class now, so I'll write again whenever I have the time. :3

Labels: afo, anime club, art, bubble tea, class, friends, labor day, shopping, space research, sushi, thrift stores, weekend

Last week was very busy for me, so I apologize for not writing.

My roommate actually didn't get here until the very last minute, and by that time I'd gotten so impatient and hungry while waiting for her that I left to grab some dinner on the other campus.

When I got back, she and her family had gotten here and they were unpacking their stuff. They didn't need me to help them unpack her stuff, but we had a chance to talk a bit and they seem like cool people. Her father is actually a Stephen King fan, and I thought that was really cool.

My roommate is also really cool. She's very outgoing and friendly, and I was surprised to find out that she actually likes anime, too. She does party a bit, but I don't think we'll have any problems. Actually, to be completely honest, I do want to go out and party a bit, though I think my definition of the word "party" is different from most college students' definitions. I know that most parties involve just staying out late and getting drunk with friends, but I just want to go out sometime, not necessarily to drink but to have fun.

My classes so far don't seem like they're going to be difficult, though I had homework in them all during the first days. I still haven't gotten around to starting my figure drawing for my fashion project class, but I don't have that class until Friday so I will definitely have time during the week to do it. I'm a little concerned about the drawing class because my professor wants me to work in HB pencil, which allows me almost no decent tone variation. :\ My first homework assignment in that class was a still life which will be due tomorrow, and I'm hoping like hell that mine won't look awful compared to the other ones.

I also had a lot of fun going to the events during Welcome Week, which is the first week of classes after move-in where a lot of the different departments and organizations around campus host a number of helpful discussion lectures and social events. I don't exactly have time to write about them in detail right now because it's about time for me to leave, but hopefully I'll get back to those later.

Labels: class, roommate, vcu, welcome week

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